How to Stop Being Afraid of Failure (and Fail Well Instead)
How do you stop being afraid of failure? You make a plan to fail well before you ever start. Failing well means fully accepting the experience: letting yourself feel the disappointment, reflecting on what happened, refusing to label yourself a failure, asking for feedback and trying again quickly.
You have beautiful dreams and goals, but how often do you hold back from pursuing them because of the fear of failure? Most of the time? Some of the time?
If this fear stops you regularly, you are not alone.
What are you really afraid of when you're afraid to fail?
What you fear is likely one or all of these three things.
You're afraid of what you will feel if you fail.
You're scared about how you'll talk to yourself if you fail.
You're worried about what others will think about you if you fail.
I want to share some ideas that may help you think very differently about this, so you learn how to fail well as you reach for those beautiful dreams and goals.
What does it mean to fail well?
Failing well means fully accepting the experience. You acknowledge that you didn't achieve the goal, and you acknowledge the flood of emotions that come with it, like disappointment, rejection or embarrassment.
Painful emotions are often synonymous with failure. When we try to deny, dodge or suppress them, we inevitably make them worse.
As challenging as it may be, we have to allow these "failing" emotions to surface. Then we can move through them by acknowledging, naming and feeling them. The better we get at this, the faster we can bounce back and uncover the growth waiting for us.
What does failing well look like in real life?
I had high hopes for a new offering in my business. The amount of time, effort, and planning that went into the new product created so much excitement and pride for me. I couldn’t wait to put it into the world, and when the time came to share the offer with my audience… and crickets. Zero sales. No one wanted it. I never expected that outcome, so it really shook me.
When I experience a failure like that failed offer, my first step is to double down on my self-care. I usually feel upset, embarrassed, and a little heartbroken, especially when I genuinely believed I would have more success with something I was excited about. I acknowledge how hurt I am and I let myself feel it. Adding in more rest, time for tears, and time to just feel sorry for myself or sad.
I give myself space to process those feelings fully, for as long as it takes. I'm serious about the "as long as it takes" part, because I know my brain will have a hard time evaluating what happened if it's super distracted by my emotions.
What questions should you ask yourself after a failure?
Once the emotions have moved through me, or are just lightly buzzing in the background, it's time to look at what happened and why I didn't get the result I expected. I ask myself:
Why do I think I got this outcome instead of what I wanted?
What did I miss along the way?
What's here for me to learn?
What's the best part of this failure?
This reflection is crucial because it makes me slow down and look for answers, and that's how I learn and grow from the experience.
How do you stop calling yourself a failure?
Perhaps most importantly, I make sure I don't label myself a failure. The event or attempt may have failed, but that doesn't mean I did.
Trying something new that doesn't work out, being with myself as I process the emotions that come with it, and taking time to understand what happened is a success.
How you talk to yourself in that moment matters so much. I talked about this with Corinne Crabtree on Losing 100 Pounds with Corinne, in an episode on what giving yourself grace really means, and how it makes hard change easier.
I've had my own seasons of this, too. I wrote about one of them in When My Confidence Hit Rock Bottom.
How do you bounce back and try again?
I also believe my failures keep me humble in the best way. When I'm failing well, I remember that I don't have all the answers, and that this failure might be a reminder to seek feedback, support and advice.
When I've taken care of my emotions and myself through compassionate reflection and kind words, I'm much more likely to say to someone, "I tried this thing, and it didn't work. Here's what I figured out about why. What other feedback do you have? What should I do differently? What am I missing?"
That approach moves me forward faster. I'm more open to hearing ideas and suggestions. I'll consider pivoting or completely overhauling my original idea. And most importantly, I'll try again quickly instead of giving up, because thinking about it is not the same as doing it.
How do you know if fear of failure is holding you back?
Ask yourself:
Do I wait to start until I'm sure it will work?
Do I keep my goals to myself so no one sees if they don't happen?
When something doesn't work, does it take me weeks or months to try again?
Do I call myself a failure when an attempt fails?
Do I talk myself down from what I want before I've even tried?
If that last one sounds familiar, you might be negotiating down what you want before you give it a real chance.
I want you to know you can have a plan ahead of time to fail well, for when you need it. That plan will ease your fear of failure before you start, so you can move ahead this week toward those beautiful dreams and goals.
Not sure what you actually want?
Answer six honest questions, and I'll send you a personal voice memo with what I see.
And if you're ready for private coaching, connect with me here.
With immense appreciation & gratitude. Always.
Katie Pulsifer is a Master Certified Life Coach for high-achieving women over 40 who have built great-looking lives and know it's not enough anymore. She helps women stop prioritizing everyone else, figure out what they actually want, and start creating a life that feels as great as it looks, without blowing up the life they've already built. Katie's coaching is grounded in neuroscience, radical self-responsibility, and the belief that your worth is inherent, not earned.
