The Hidden Cost of “I Should Be Grateful”

Gratitude, Disappointment, and Telling the Truth

I’m noticing two very different kinds of gratitude.

One is grounding and expansive.
It lives in the body.
And feels warm, honest, and real.

The other looks similar on the surface, but underneath it is tight and constricting.
It is gratitude used to override what you are actually feeling.
Gratitude used to silence disappointment.
Gratitude used to tell yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

This second kind of gratitude becomes harmful when used to override our lived experience, and that’s exactly what happened to me.

Earlier this year, I was back in Maine visiting my parents. It was January. Cold, snowy, gray. Very bleak. I ran into someone I know at the grocery store, and we fell into an easy conversation. They mentioned they never see me around town anymore, and I explained that Steve and I are living away right now because of his work. I shared that we are in the Caribbean for a multi-year contract.

I watched their face light up.

“Oh my God, that is amazing.”
“You are so lucky.”
“Wow, I would love that.”

And in that moment, something in me quietly shut down.

Not because they were wrong or that they meant any harm.
But because I suddenly felt the pressure to perform gratitude in a way that erased my actual experience.

Yes, there are parts of living in the Caribbean that are absolutely beautiful.
It’s true that I am very, very grateful for the opportunity.
And on paper and practically, the decision to take this job makes a lot of sense.

And also…

It can be incredibly frustrating.
I miss my family and friends deeply.
I’m often very lonely.
Resources and supplies are sometimes plentiful, and other times the shelves are sparse, and the power flickers on and off for hours.
Travel is complicated and expensive. I can feel trapped.

Standing there in the grocery store in Maine, I realized I did not want to say any of that. Not because it was untrue, but because it felt like it would violate some unspoken rule.

If something looks impressive from the outside, you are not supposed to name what is hard about it.

So instead, I minimized my experience. I nodded along. I kept it light. I stayed vague. “Yeah, it’s incredible.” And as I walked away, I could feel it.

I was out of integrity with myself.

That was the moment it really clicked.

I was using gratitude to talk myself out of my own lived experience.

And I see this all the time in conversations with friends and clients.

• Those who talk themselves into being grateful for marriages that quietly leave them feeling unseen and unappreciated.

• Or who tell themselves they should be grateful for jobs (with all the perks and benefits) that always require them to be “on” and available, living in constant reaction mode.

• In women who have built beautiful, rewarding lives and still feel restless, disappointed, or unfulfilled.

They search for words that sound like gratitude to explain how they should be feeling.
But their bodies and facial expressions tell a different story.

There is a gripping quality to their energy.
A slight tightening of their muscles.
And a subtle forcing of the words out of their mouths.

True gratitude does not require you to abandon yourself.

You can be grateful and frustrated.
You can be appreciative and disappointed.
You can love parts of your life and still want more.

When we pour gratitude on top of frustration without acknowledging it, the frustration does not disappear.

Instead, it grows. And we lose trust in ourselves because we begin to disconnect from what we actually want.

And the cost of that is real.

Integrity with yourself.
Emotional honesty.
Self-trust.
Clarity about what needs attention.

When I finally allowed myself to say, “I am grateful, and it’s really hard,” something softened inside me. My body relaxed. My breath deepened. I felt more present to my Caribbean experience, not less. More appreciative, not less.

Because gratitude that comes after truth is different.
It is clean.
And nourishing.
It does not ask you to disappear.

If you recognize yourself here, I invite you to consider this.

Being grateful does not mean you are not allowed to want more. And you are never ungrateful for telling the truth.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is let someone bear witness to your real experience. Not to try and fix it. To give yourself the experience of saying it out loud without immediately correcting yourself.

That alone can bring immense relief.

If you are recognizing a pattern of overriding your lived experience with gratitude, a Clarity Call is the perfect place to get clear about it. To name your gratitude and disappointment or your appreciation and longing: pride and frustration. Whatever complex and opposing emotions and experiences you are holding, you deserve to acknowledge and understand them so that you can move forward in your life in a more self-supporting way.

To schedule a free call, click the button below.

With immense appreciation and gratitude. Always.