The Thought I Didn’t Know Was Making Me Miserable
There was a thought I did not know was making me miserable.
It felt responsible. And loving. Definitely necessary, in an oldest and only daughter kind of way.
The thought was: "WE NEED A PLAN."
It came up every time I thought about my parents, who are now in their early and mid-eighties. As I write this, there is no official downsizing plan. No "what happens if one of us gets sick" plan. No long-term care conversations that feel settled or complete.
My parents live very much in the present. They savor the smallest details of their day. They rarely miss a sunset, deer tracks in the snow, or the sound of a juvenile eagle in the distance. They do not rush through today to plan tomorrow. They enjoy and savor what they have now. They are genuinely some of my greatest teachers in the art of presence and deep appreciation.
And still, inside me, that thought kept looping: "We need a plan."
How One Hidden Thought Started Sabotaging My Momentum
What I did not realize at first was how tightly I was gripping that thought. It was not only top of mind. It was running quietly in the background of my life. And it started to spill over into places that did not make logical sense.
I started noticing something strange in my business. I had exciting ideas. Collaborations. Speaking opportunities. Invitations that, a year ago, I would have said yes to in a heartbeat.
Instead, I was dragging my feet. Not committing or deciding, and staying very busy with small, distracting tasks.
At first, I turned on myself. I told myself I must now be the most indecisive person in the world. I must not be that committed after all. I probably don't want to grow my business the way I say I do.
But none of that rang true. I know myself. I am usually very decisive. I feel my yes and my no clearly in my body. I act from that place all the time. What was happening felt different. It felt unfamiliar, and I was beginning to feel miserable, actually.
This is exactly what I got into with Nikisha King on the Iconik CEO Podcast, in an episode called "The Real Reason You Sabotage Your Next Level." The real reason is almost never laziness or a lack of commitment. It's usually a hidden thought, quietly generating a feeling that stalls you, while you blame yourself for the stalling.
What Is Self-Sabotage, Really?
Self-sabotage isn't a character flaw or a lack of discipline. It's usually one unexamined thought producing an emotion (caution, dread, guilt) that quietly creates inaction toward the very thing you say you want. Research on cognitive appraisal shows that it isn't the situation itself that drives our feelings and behavior; it's the meaning our mind assigns to it. Change the hidden meaning, and the behavior changes with it.
So I did what I always do when something feels off. I sat down and coached myself. I wrote it all out in my journal, and it sounded like this…
I have all of these ideas. I have invitations and exciting opportunities. I know these are the exact kinds of things that will help me serve at a higher level. And yet I am not moving. I am avoiding lots of decisions. I'm downplaying my ideas. I'm completely stalled out. I feel like I am waiting for something. I can't stop thinking about mom and dad. I need to do more for them. What is happening?
On paper, I could see clearly that I wasn't taking any action. And I know that a feeling always creates action or inaction. So I next asked myself what I was feeling.
The word that came up surprised me. Cautious.
Cautious is not an emotion I live in very often. I am not especially afraid of trying things. I am not overly attached to specific outcomes. If something does not work, I usually adjust and move on. But there it was. Cautious. And it made sense to me.
So I asked the next question. Why am I feeling cautious?
And that is when the thought creating the emotion of caution revealed itself. "We need a plan."
Somewhere in my mind, my brain had quietly linked two completely separate things together. My parents' future. And my own forward momentum. Without my conscious awareness, I was operating as if their situation had to be settled before I could fully move forward in my own life and business.
As soon as I saw it, everything inside me softened. My body felt like a fist unclenching, and my fingers slowly opening. And everything I've been gripping so tightly to, finally let go. (This is the opposite of the exhausting mental loop I wrote about in "Why I Couldn't Think My Way Out.")
Naming It Set It Free
I felt a sort of grateful-relief for my new awareness and the clarity. Then, compassion for my humanness. And finally, deep presence. The kind I have learned from my parents. To slow down and notice the connection between my thinking, feelings, and actions on paper. (That slowing-down is a skill, and I make the case for it in "The Bravest Thing You'll Do Is Slow Down.")
I was not surprised by my desire to try to control my parents' future planning, so that I could avoid my own. I love my parents deeply. As their only and oldest daughter, I desperately want to help them navigate their future with care and dignity. That all makes perfect sense.
What did not make sense was holding my own life and business hostage to something I cannot actually control.
The thought "We need a plan" quietly started shifting to these: "I can plan my life now." "One day, they might plan their future." "These are separate and unrelated."
And then something beautiful happened. I stopped obsessing over and practicing future-planning conversations with my parents in my head. I let the energy in me change and released my need to control their decisions.
And within days, I made the first of several business decisions I had been avoiding. I committed to one of my big ideas and moved forward. The cautious feeling lifted. My decisiveness and bias for taking action returned. And a path for the upcoming months in my business and life became clearer.
Nothing external had changed with my parents. Everything had changed inside me. (Notice, too, how quickly we shrink or stall the things we want — that's the pattern in "Stop Negotiating Down What You Want.")
This Is the Power of Coaching Yourself
Not to fix yourself, but to explore inner patterns with compassion and kindness.
Most of us live inside habitual thoughts that we do not even realize are creating our reality. And when we do not question them, we live them out automatically. Self-coaching is the moment the autopilot living gets interrupted. When you pause long enough to see what's happening in your mind. And the moment you realize you have choices.
How to Know If a Hidden Thought Is Stalling You
If your behavior doesn't match your desires lately, sit with these:
Are you saying yes to your goals out loud but quietly dragging your feet?
Have you turned on yourself ("I must be indecisive / not committed") instead of getting curious?
Does your energy feel tight, heavy, or stalled around something you say you want?
Is there an unrelated worry (a person, a situation you can't control) that your momentum seems to be waiting on?
When you imagine moving forward, do you feel a quiet "not yet" you can't quite explain?
If your behavior does not match your desires, if your energy feels tight, heavy, or stalled, the fastest way back to clarity is always to coach yourself. (And if you can feel the pull but not the path, "Follow the Breadcrumbs" is a gentle next step.)
And if you would like support learning how to do that in a grounded, gentle way, I've created something just for you. The Golden Self-Coaching Guide is a simple, compassionate way to help you become present so you can listen to yourself and uncover the thoughts that may be quietly shaping your life. And whenever you'd like a real conversation, a free connection call is a place to catch the thought together.
With immense appreciation & gratitude. Always.
About Katie Pulsifer
Katie Pulsifer is a Master Certified Life Coach for high-achieving women over 40 who have built great-looking lives and know it's not enough anymore. She helps women stop prioritizing everyone else, figure out what they actually want, and start creating a life that feels as great as it looks, without blowing up the life they've already built. Katie's coaching is grounded in neuroscience, radical self-responsibility, and the belief that your worth is inherent, not earned.
