How Do I Figure Out What I Actually Want?

It comes up in almost every coaching conversation I have with women in midlife. Sometimes it's the first thing she says. Sometimes it surfaces an hour in, very quietly: "I honestly don't know what I want anymore."

It came up again recently with a woman I was coaching. She is wonderful at showing up for everyone in her life, and when she sat down to write what she wants for her future, she couldn't. She told me she'd never had any practice at it. It had always been about what her family wanted and what was best for them.

If that sounds familiar, nothing is wrong with you. You're out of practice, and practice is something you can start today.

Why Don't I Know What I Want?

Most of us were raised to be very, very good at knowing what everyone else needs. As I said on the Not Done Yet podcast, "We are not socialized to trust ourselves. We are socialized to make sure that everyone else is taken care of, that everyone else's needs are met."

So we get skilled at it. We know our kids' best friends' birthdays, our partner's coffee order, what our team needs before they ask. And when it comes to what we want, there's a blank space where the answer should be.

That blank space isn't emptiness. It's a muscle that hasn't been used in a long time. Decades of putting everyone else first will do that, especially for women over 40 who built a good life by being the one who handles everything.

Why It Feels So Hard to Answer

Your brain loves the familiar. It's lazy and loyal, and it's very loyal to the version of you who takes care of everyone. So when you start asking what you want, it gets dramatic. You'll let people down. You'll be selfish. Who do you think you are?

Be incredibly suspicious of those answers. They aren't the truth about you. They're your brain defending the old way because the old way feels safe.

And you don't have to choose between the woman who shows up for everyone and the woman who shows up for herself. One of the most freeing words in coaching is "and." I love showing up for the people I care about, and I'm making more room for me.

How to Start Figuring Out What You Want

You don't need a five-year plan. You need a way back in. Here are the places I start with my clients.

1. Start with what you already have and want to keep.

When "what do I want?" feels impossible, list what you already have that you would choose again. My home. This friendship. My morning walk. It counts. Once the list gets moving, your brain often offers the next thing on its own: "and if I could also add this, that would be perfect."

2. Make the question smaller.

Years ago, at a real crossroads in my own life, my coach asked me what brings me joy. I sat over dinner with a blank journal page and couldn't write a thing. Finally, something on the menu reminded me: I love a juicy peach. That went at the top of the page. Then the sunshine on my shoulders. The smell of the ocean. Flamenco dancing, which I fell in love with living in Barcelona at seventeen. That one small answer opened the door to everything I'd forgotten I loved. (I tell the whole story in It All Started with a Juicy Peach.)

That's why I give so many clients a joy list. Take a blank page and go through your senses: What do I love to eat? To smell, hear, taste, feel? Your senses are wise, and they often know before your mind does.

3. Make the future small and close.

Picturing your life five years from now can be too big a leap when you're out of practice. Pick something near instead, like this Thanksgiving. Who do you want to be with? How do you want to feel that day? Then write yourself a letter from the evening after: "It was wonderful. Here's how it went." Your brain starts looking for ways to make it true.

4. Ask yourself first.

It's so tempting to ask a friend, a book, or an app what you should want. Get help with the how. Keep the what for yourself, because you cannot outsource knowing yourself.

What to Expect When You Start

Choosing yourself, even in small ways, will feel uncomfortable at first. Maybe a little guilt, or the worry that someone is disappointed in you. That's normal, and it's part of the practice.

An emotion moves through the body in about 90 seconds unless we keep feeding it with the story. You can feel disappointed and still take beautiful care of yourself. Go for a walk. Turn up the music. Let the feeling pass through without making it mean you did something wrong.

I talked about this with LauraAura on The Gutsy Podcast: that ache for more isn't a malfunction. It's a messenger inviting you to pay attention.

How to Know If You've Lost Touch With What You Want

• Someone asks where you want to eat, and you genuinely say, "I don't mind. Wherever you want."

• You can plan everyone's holiday down to the minute, but you can't name one thing you want from it.

• Your first answer to "what do you want?" is what someone else needs.

• You feel a quiet restlessness, even though your life looks good from the outside.

• Wanting something for yourself feels a little like guilt.

If a few of these land, you're not ungrateful, and you're not alone. You might be in what I call the good-life guilt trap, and there is a way out.

Not Sure Where to Start? Let Me Help.

I made something just for this. Answer six honest questions about where you are right now. I'll personally read your answers and send you a voice memo with what I'm noticing and what to do next. You'll hear from me, not a template or a chatbot. Answer the six questions.

Ready to talk now? Book a free call.

Katie Pulsifer is a Master Certified Life Coach for high-achieving women over 40 who have built great-looking lives and know it's not enough anymore. She helps women stop prioritizing everyone else, figure out what they actually want, and start creating a life that feels as great as it looks, without blowing up the life they've already built. Katie's coaching is grounded in neuroscience, radical self-responsibility, and the belief that your worth is inherent, not earned.

With immense appreciation & gratitude. Always.