The Myth of “Everything’s Fine”
I can’t count the number of times I’ve said “everything’s fine” while my body screamed otherwise.
I can clearly picture one time frame: when my daughter was in fourth and fifth grades, running into other parents at concerts, drop-offs, and field trips. Everyone smiling, checking in, making small talk. I’d smile back, grit my teeth, clench my fists, and barely get the words out. “Everything’s fine.”
But it wasn’t.
My marriage was quietly unraveling, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
I didn’t have the language to explain it, and I didn’t have the strength to let the truth out before heading into the office for a full day of work or home for a packed evening of mothering and trying to figure my future out.
There was another time at a big Life Coach School event I’d looked forward to for months. Familiar faces everywhere. Warm hugs. Genuine joy to be together. And still, every time someone asked, “How are things?” I said, “Fine.”
But I already knew that the company was shifting. That it was to be the last event of its kind. My beloved job had been terminated, and I, along with many others, would be out of work in a few months. Everything was changing, and no one knew yet.
Saying “fine” felt like swallowing a lie.
So I stayed backstage, minimized interactions, deflected questions, and did my best to make sure everyone else was ok.
The Language of “Fine”
“Fine” shows up in so many of my coaching conversations.
A client lists off the surface-level topics she wants to discuss — a client situation, a coaching business tweak, a time management issue.
We start there. But by the end of the session, what’s really asking for attention finally rises to the surface.
“Fine” is often the camouflage.
It’s the protective layer that keeps us from falling apart, from saying too much, from making someone else uncomfortable.
We tell ourselves, I can’t lose it right now. I can’t cry. I can’t make a scene.
So we use fine to hold it together until we feel safe enough to tell the truth.
And honestly, that makes sense. Fine keeps us functioning. It keeps us moving through the day, paying the bills, making dinner, getting things done.
But it also costs us connection with ourselves and with others.
What’s Hiding Beneath “Fine”
When someone finally shares, “I’m not fine,” the body often trembles before the words even finish leaving her mouth.
It’s a cocktail of emotions from embarrassment, to shame, to vulnerability, to relief, fear of judgment, and freedom, all at once.
And it’s in that trembling moment that truth finally begins to be set free.
That’s why I often remind my clients that their words matter. They reveal the habits of our thinking and all the ways we unintentionally minimize, deflect, or disguise what’s real.
As a coach, I might gently reflect:
“Did you notice you said, ‘I’m fine’ six times in this conversation? I wonder if that’s what you actually mean.”
It’s not about judgment. It’s about curiosity. It’s an invitation to notice the patterns and habits that may inadvertently keep us from naming what we are going through.
A Gentle Invitation
“Fine” isn’t wrong. Sometimes it’s just shorthand for “I can’t go there right now.”
But it’s worth noticing how often it tumbles out and how often it misrepresents what’s true for you.
So, if you find yourself saying “everything’s fine” this week, pause for a moment and ask:
Reflection Prompts
What am I not saying when I say I’m fine?
What truth might be waiting underneath the surface of that word?
What would it feel like to tell the smallest, safest piece of the truth instead?
Because sometimes, the most courageous thing we can do is stop pretending everything’s fine and start listening to what’s real.
With immense appreciation & gratitude. Always.
P.S. If you’ve been saying “I’m fine” for a while now and you’re ready to explore what’s underneath it, let’s talk. My free 45-minute Connection Call is a private, no-pressure space to get curious about what you most want and how to have it. You can book your call by clicking the button below.
